Oh the pain

For some unknown reason I have decided to join a gym. It is rather new and shiny and impressive with a lovely pool, steam room and hot and cold running muscular young men. Unfortunately they couldn't fit me in for a gym induction straight away, so I decided to have a bash by myself. Hell, I used to go to the gym; how hard could it be? Very bloody hard. Sore too.

After puffing away on an exercise bike for a while, sweating like a bishop in a scout camp, I tried out the thigh adductor/abductor. Bad move. I had gone to the gym with a friend of mine who has been working out there for several months. What on earth posessed me to think that I, who hasn't taken regular exercise or done anything more strenuous than smiling in nearly two and a half years, could do as many repetitions at the same weights as her? Silly me. I got off the instrument of torture feeling like I had been vigorously rogered by an entire rugby team; I tried stretching, and went on a bizarre machine that vibrated so hard my glasses flew off and I thought I was going to be sick (it's supposed to relax your muscles; presumably by killing you) but to no avail. Is it possible to die from a groin strain? My fit, gym-going friend thinks this is hilarious. Particularly when I try to cross my legs, fail, and start crying.